Researching the latest divorce statistic on the internet it
struck me how carelessly the law firms seem to promote their services. “A divorce for £37!” it shouts from the Google
search pages. Another advert promises a
divorce in weeks whilst a third screams in bold capitals: “FAST TRACK TO DIVORCE!”.
All are focussed on the cheapness, speed and ease of what now seems a
one-click divorce process.
I’d like to think that it’s not necessary to say that
divorce is anything but easy. Solicitors
and mediators focus on getting the finances fairly split, the material goods
shared, the pensions equalled out and perhaps even access to children arranged. But there is a very important and unavoidable
aspect of divorce that neither solicitors nor mediators are able or qualified
to deal with: the emotional fall-out.
For the adults it is expected that they will ‘get over it’
or that ‘time will heal all wounds’ and as a society we say that children are ‘resilient’
and seem to cope very well. But like
nuclear fall-out, the emotional effect on everyone involved lingers for a long time
and can insidiously spread throughout a family without anyone noticing.
The family courts have tried to remedy some of the negative
effects caused by divorce. By expecting
couples initially to go to family mediation to reach an amicable solution, a
little of the emotional fall-out may be redeemed. If a court process is unavoidable, there is
now the Separating Parents Intervention Programme. This is a four hour training session covering how
divorce or separation affects children, intended to re-focus parents on their
own behaviour and show how to communicate with an ex-partner without too many
arguments.
The emotional fall-out from divorce, nevertheless, is
unavoidable and in most cases devastating. For the person leaving it may initially seem
that heaven has arrived; the relief of having made the decision and acted upon
it, the feel of finally moving on and creating a new life is invigorating. However, these emotions very often and quickly
get infiltrated by guilt and sadness, thoughts of doubt and feelings of loss. This can seem confusing and paradoxical,
sometimes causing uncharacteristic changes in behaviour.
For the one left behind, it is likely to be the most
devastating experience ever felt. Anger
and resentment aimed at the partner who has left can turn a rational person
into a raging, irrational individual with little sense of right or wrong. Mixing these emotions and behaviours with the
feeling of intense loss and sadness can be overwhelming and send a person
spiralling down into a powerful sense of rejection and an inevitable depression.
This is a volatile point and a time when the most damage is
done; with little awareness of the effect of their own behaviour, actions and
words both are likely to become incapable of talking with each other. For both
people, realistic expectations are
likely to be drastically skewed and the focus turned inward on their own wants
and needs, with little consideration for anyone else involved in the process.
It all sounds very dramatic, and without talking about the
effect on children, grandparents and the extended family and friends, the story
is incomplete. This, although intrinsically
linked, is a separate subject and will be covered in a different blog entry.
The notion of a fast track divorce somehow seems incomprehensible
and although £37 for an online divorce may seem like a bargain, it serves to
cheapen the actual emotional cost of anyone going through the process. If it seems too good to be true, it’s because
it is.
A very helpful website for single parents and information on
coping with divorce is Gingerbread.
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