The Trouble with Relationships ...

People often get together or marry believing that their partner will make them happy, give them confidence and make them feel as if they belong. Very often however, these relationships fail to prosper.

Imagine what happens if two people get together, both believing and hoping that their partner will provide this. If their preconceptions prove false, they may spiral into depression, get angry with each other and begin to drift apart.

A dream come true?

The phrase ‘I don’t know what to do to make you happy’ is often heard in relationships and is sometimes said with increasing despair as the months or years pass by.

Where do our expectations come from?

Often the need for our partner to provide us with happiness, confidence, belonging, unconditional love and much more, comes from a lack of having felt this when we were very young. During the years when our emotional life develops, when our ideas of who we are and how we get our needs met is set as a basis of our personality, it is imperative that our caregivers are able to provide a stable and consistent, caring and loving environment.

Below are three basic examples of how expectations develop and the effects on our adult relationships and friendships:

• If we don’t get the love and understanding in the first years of our life, we are likely to subconsciously search for this in other relationships and friendships only to get disappointed and have little if any trust in others. In reality we are searching for someone to provide us with a basis of who we are. Without this emotional basis, we are unlikely to have defined boundaries and will have an all or nothing kind of attitude to relationships; giving everything only for the next moment to retract ourselves completely. Often emotions we are unable to recognise become destructive, control us and result in us feeling isolated or excluded with perhaps anger or sadness being an overwhelming part of it. 

• Having part of our emotional needs met in those very first years means we are more likely to be successful in love and able to cultivate balanced friendships. Although we may experience a level of caution when entering a new relationship or making new friendships, we have developed enough self-awareness to form a basis of who we are and boundaries will not be too troublesome (though may be movable by events and other people’s opinions). 

• Of course if we have been lucky to have just the right amount of caring and attention we are likely to be well balanced individuals with a successful and happy life.  Boundaries will be well defined and our approach to relationships is one of sharing life, love and experiences, with a healthy self-contained attitude though also being inclusive and considerate to others. In this state we won’t be looking for others to provide us with a basis of who we are, because we know and are able to live our life from a well-established basis.

There is much more to the background of how our expectations originate and why, with many books having been written on the subject. Look up “attachment theory” with a search engine and lots will appear.

The possibility of change

If we belong to the first or, to some extent, the second category it would be very sad if we were unable to change - if we were deemed to go through life making the same ‘mistakes’ and having the same disappointments. 

As adults, establishing our own basis of who we are doesn't come from others, but from within ourselves. Emotions we may have tried to push away or are overwhelming, need to be recognised and cared for. The help is not in someone providing the love and care, but for someone to lead us to the tools we already have inside us: the capacity to love and care for ourselves.

Through self-nurturing or re-parenting ourselves, we can discover the parts we didn't get a chance to acquaint ourselves with when very young. Given the chance we are, with a little help, able to fulfill the longings of: ‘I want you to be kind to me, I want you to love me then everything will be ok’.

The journey to the point of being able to do this doesn't have to be long, but it will be emotional and it will hold a lot of discoveries, good and bad. It’s a journey worth travelling if we want to experience inner peace, outer joy and healthy balanced relationships.

Without knowing and practicing being kind to ourselves and loving ourselves, we will not be able to cultivate a truly loving, caring intimate relationship with another.  Without kindness and love for ourselves, we will not be able to accept the care and love offered by our partner.

Christmas Contemplation

While going for a walk on Christmas day with my partner we began talking about how at this time of year we both think of events that have happened in the past year.  We spoke of feeling a little melancholic about not having certain loved ones with us, either because of distance or because they are no longer on this mortal earth.  We also talked about how life around us and within us has changed, some things for the better, some not so.  The analogy I used is that Christmas opens up past chapters in our lives, like a book revisited. But unlike a book, the chapters in our lives overlap and interlink with one another making it difficult to distinguish between them or even recognise when one has begun or ended.  Learning to recognise these chapters as a whole is important if we are ever to truly understand ourselves and the relationships around us.

Picture from https://www.facebook.com/WildforWildlifeandNature

These moments of contemplation give us a chance to re-assess the un-written words from our past and put the endings to chapters, perhaps so far not recognised, in their proper place.  I believe this process is important for us to honour events, positive or negative: celebrating or mourning gives us a chance to reach a feeling of closure.

Global Storytelling

At this time of year this process can be seen in other places of societal contexts: the newspapers produce endless summaries of the year past; the Queen’s speech telling us how brave and strong people have been; television and radio programmes all focussing on the experiences of the year past.  On a global scale it is important to remember the world’s events, big and small; this is after all what makes history.  As we all know the future of our culture and society is made up of the history we create in the present.

Personal Chapters

On a personal scale we tend to be not so willing to summarise our recent or indeed more distant past, thinking that dwelling on the past will not help us now.  However, just like culture and society our every present moment is creating our personal history and our every past experience will in some way affect our present moment.  Without having summarised and created relevant endings we will be leaving the chapters open.  We may even lack a conscious awareness of the existence of the whole chapters, which then leak together, becoming mixed up and undefined.

Being able to think about and put our lives in a clearly defined story line, with chapters that include a beginning, a middle and and an ending, will give us volume in our present lives, clarity in our thinking and a more peaceful, calm inner being.

Becoming Your Own Author

As we draw nearer to 2013, new chapters are waiting to be opened for all of us in the New Year.  We often do not know what they are.  An acceptance that events will happen is likely to put us in the author’s seat of our lives rather than letting life be the author with us as the main character being pushed from one role to the next.  We do this by embracing new experiences the best we can, knowing that this is another chapter beginning and remembering that these chapters will one day have an ending.

This Christmas my partner and I have had a quiet time which has given me a chance to re-write some of the chapters which needed editing a little.  Life’s past experiences never seem to be complete; as I gain more knowledge my perception of the past changes and I become the editor of the book of short and long chapters that have never been written down but are nonetheless very real.

I hope that new beginnings for you will bring you much joy.

Happy New Year!

The Perfect Family Christmas

Christmas is knocking on our doors again with the promise of glad tidings and a festive season.  This time of year magazines, newspapers and your favourite websites are usually full of time saving suggestions, ideas for a homemade Christmas, stress reducing advice and a good look at your health with do’s and don’ts for the festive season.  Underneath it all lies the expectations often put on us by the family’s Christmas traditions.

Last year two of my client couples saw the pressure of the financial demands of Christmas collide with the worry of spending time negotiating the delicate equilibrium between family members.  Finding a new way of managing Christmas was not only high on their list of priorities but essential for their sanity to remain intact.

An Idyllic Christmas

Thinking aloud about the ideas of an ideal Christmas, we went straight to the amazing idyllic postcard scenario of the log cabin in the mountains; snow so deep it reached the roof and the bells jingling on the horse drawn sleigh. A pretty picture, and at a closer look what it really signified was the peace and joy they wished they could experience at Christmas.

It was this, peace and joy, we then worked with to create a realistic aim of a Christmas which could be enjoyed by all.  Initially looking at family traditions and expectations, what was important to whom and what the family rules were, gave us a good starting point.

Of course making changes to any of these were initially met with the dread of bigger family feuds or the fear of upsetting certain family members.  We began looking at different ways of introducing the new ideas, how they might be received by various family members and what could be said to make it easier for the whole family to receive the changes positively.

Change for Peace and Joy

It was interesting work and both couples came to very different solutions; Linda and Peter decided that they were going to introduce a cost limit on presents; one for adults and a little more for children.  As they weren't hosting Christmas they decided that they were going to shorten their stay with the family from the usual three days to just one night and have some time just for them and their children.

Because they had made the choice and worked together on what to say and how to approach the rest of the family with their decision, Linda and Peter felt in control of their own lives.  Their family accepted their decision saying that they had wondered about making changes themselves.  Linda and Peter had a wonderful Christmas and although it didn't snow, they had created a peaceful and joyous time very close to the postcard scenario we initially talked about.

A Bring and Share Christmas

Rose and Mike were the hosts of Christmas and traditionally would have to create two days of festive fun and food for the family, which usually consisted of ten people on Christmas day and up to 20 on Boxing Day.  Mike had been made redundant earlier in the year and had taken a job which paid half his previous salary.  They simply couldn't afford to put on the big spread that was expected.

After talking about what would work for them and coming up with some creative solutions, we together made sure that the message of change was delivered positively with as much encouragement as possible.  Their decision was to invite every member of the family to contribute an item of food from a list Rose and Mike had prepared and that this would be the present from the family to them.

With a little persuasion the idea went down really well and returning to counselling after Christmas they reported that it had been so successful the family had decided to take the idea on board as the new Christmas tradition.

If Christmas is stressing you out, there is always a solution.  Thinking creatively but realistically and putting the message across positively will often enable other family members to express their thoughts and need for change.

If you have ideas of wanting something different for Christmas, why not test them out on the most approachable member of your family?  You might be pleasantly surprised by the results.

Good luck!

When Support Turns to Control

In a relationship support and control often have opposite meaning.  Control indicates that one person to some extent is in charge, perhaps holds the authority in the relationship, and the other is submissive, bending with the wishes made, often without fully realising what is happening.  

Feeling supported and being supportive are crucial ingredients in a healthy relationship and balanced measures of both give the feeling of equality, mutual appreciation and a sense of working together.  It’s one of many important cogs that make the relationship wheel turn smoothly.  However on occasion support can turn into control without either partner being aware that it has happened.

In relationship counselling I sometimes see couples who describe their relationship as initially being supportive and that they both used to feel appreciated by the other.  Now something has gone wrong and the balance they thought they had initially no longer exists.  Confused, they talk about the love they still feel for one another at the same time as saying that the intimacy they once had no longer exists; they feel they have drifted apart.

When we begin to explore their relationship right from moment they first met, it isn't unusual to find that there may have been a time when one partner needed a little more support than usual.  Perhaps an illness, childbirth or redundancy changed the balance of support momentarily.  The couple managed to negotiate the change of support, so one took on more responsibility than the other, which worked well and they got through the difficulty they experienced.  They talk about how their love grew and that this was a time when they felt incredibly close.

Looking back at the time when the difficulty went away, we find that the balance of feeling supported and being supportive had not been re-adjusted or negotiated.  Their roles in the relationship had changed but the responsibilities had not, resulting in an unequal balance of feeling supported and being supportive.

Gradually their relationship changed to control and submission where one, being used to take the main part of the responsibilities, unwittingly carried on in this role not realising the damage being done to the relationship.  The other, embarrassed and not wanting to be seen as ungrateful, held back their need to return to the balance of mutual support they once had.

Resentment began to build on both sides as the mutual appreciation disappeared and both partners put on a brave front, not wanting to ”rock the boat”.  As what should be said remained in silence, the intimacy slowly disappeared, buried beneath unspoken words.  Before long they could no longer reach each other through words or touch.

Neither enjoy the roles of control and submission they now find themselves in though neither are able to say what really needs to be said for fear of hurting the other or suffering rejection.  It may seem easier to keep quiet and believe that it will all go away with time, but the silence they both subscribe to is poisoning their relationship.

No relationship stays the same, and the ability to negotiate in an open and honest manner, without damaging the trust in the relationship takes skill.   Often the skills needed exist in other areas of life and with a little insight these can be brought into consciousness.  Once a couple has understood how they have created the situation they find themselves in, putting these skills to use will, after a while, help to reignite the intimacy that once existed.  

Being Normal

Some days counselling seems to have a theme; today it was how to be “normal”. Everywhere there seemed to be something to do with what normal actually means.  Articles I read were about normality or normalising situations.  Clients I saw expressed wishes to be normal.  The radio spoke about what normal is.

This got me thinking about how we see normal, how we measure ourselves against some unspoken morality, standard or behaviour that we look upon as proof that we or someone else is normal.  Someone may do normal things such as go shopping, wash the car, wear nice clothes, smile at the right time, speak with a neutral accent, drive a tidy car or whatever it is we look upon as normal.  But what we see is just the exterior of another person: inside they contain anxieties, worries, self-destruct mechanisms, negative beliefs and longings, just like us.

We look at others and think ‘I want their life, it looks peaceful, it looks perfect, it looks happy’.  We crave something that looks better than our own life, something that perhaps seems to hold more promise or achievement, status or respect, love or passion.  Yet the person we are looking at might be looking at us and thinking the same things.

We all know couple who have split up and we have thought: “Why? They were so well matched”.  Yet we know nothing about their measure of normality or how imperfect their life was for them.

What we are unable to see is what our life looks like from the outside, from someone else’s stand point.  When a friend tells us we are lucky and that we have a wonderful, blessed life, we get busy telling them how awful it is, how we have worked hard to get there or how life has dealt us a hard hand and that we deserve a little luck now.  Somehow we are unable to accept that we have something worthwhile, something to appreciate just for what it is.

Learning to appreciate and enjoy exactly what we have, without thinking it isn’t enough is a tricky lesson but one worthwhile studying if not putting into practice.  It is a lesson that ultimately brings stability and happiness, and after all that is often what we think we see in others’ lives; the very thing we long for but haven’t learnt to create for ourselves.

Perhaps the need is not so much to be normal, but to be able to recognise how normal we already are.  Every person we think of as normal has learnt, possibly subconsciously, to act out the role it takes to live their life.  If we can understand that even they have an unseen life sheltered from the world, just like us, then we have the possibility of reaching a stage where we can begin to appreciate and celebrate our differences, embracing our own version of the world and know that it is as normal as anyone’s.

 ‘When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained’ said the writer Mark Twain.  Perhaps “mad” is too strong a word here.  But the principle applies to “normal” too.

Relationships - Why Are We So Angry?

Reflecting on past cases in counselling, anger seems to be a reoccurring issue in couple relationships. It appears in many forms of behaviour and sometimes is very deeply buried. One thing every form of anger has in common is a destructive nature.

The need for anger management groups and therapy is growing as more people are beginning to acknowledge that their level of anger is unacceptable, destructive and perhaps even uncontrollable. But why are we so angry?

Many studies have been made into the causes of anger; one professed that babies are born aggressive; society has been blamed for creating angry young people because of lack of opportunities; computer games have been said to condition people to become aggressive; and music, movies and television have also had their fair share of blame for aggressive attitudes.

While there may be some truth in all of this, little influences us as much as the examples of behaviour we are brought up with and the ways in which we were treated growing up.

At the root of anger often lies personal experiences of hurt, making anger a symptom of internal conflict provoked by external factors. In other words, if un-resolved past experiences such as disappointment, loss, ridicule or shame are not looked at and explored in a safe environment, they can cause anger in situations where there is a potential for a similar emotion to occur. Anger in this case paradoxically acts as a protection, keeping the hurtful emotions away and so suppressing the issues at the cause of the anger.

Examples of hurtful emotions may include disappointments of being consistently let down, so creating a lack of trust, or being shown up by siblings or - worse still - parents.  Neglect and abuse can create a sense of shame; having been shown little or no understanding as a child can lead to lack of empathy toward others and oneself, and loss can create a feeling of fear of rejection. There are plenty of examples of situations that can create anger as what seems like the only protection against hurtful emotions if these are not recognised.

Intimate relationships are often the common playground for anger; for relationships to be intimate we need to be able to safely show our vulnerability and accept our partner’s vulnerability. We feel vulnerable when we show emotions of grief, guilt, disappointment and loss, but even happiness can bring a certain level of vulnerability. If such emotions have not been allowed in the past, or we have had negative experiences showing them, we are likely to protect ourselves for fear of getting hurt again. 

Anger in this case works well as a protector as it pushes an intimate partner away and so we have saved ourselves from potential hurt…or have we? We may have stopped the repetition of past hurt, but in the process of protecting ourselves we are creating the rejection of momentarily losing someone dear to us, the shame of hurting someone else, the disappointment of yet again being let down as our partner retreats, and so on. The protective anger becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that actually re-creates the exact emotion we are trying to protect ourselves from.

Saying all that, anger is a necessary emotion, though if it is not recognised and accepted it tends to become overwhelming for both the person showing it as well as the person on the receiving end. To accept one’s own anger as a natural emotion may help in the management of an otherwise potentially destructive emotion and could lead the way to resolving the real issue underlying the anger. 

Most people dream of the ideal relationship in which they feel safe, needed, loved and appreciated, all in the right amounts.  However, our happiness seems to rely on our ability to reveal our own vulnerability while trusting that our partner will not hurt us, and for our partner to be able to trust that we in turn will not hurt them in their moments of vulnerability. 

To recognise that your partner may have different points of vulnerability than you will be a good starting point. Discovering these comes through being willing to get to know what it is that triggers this and what they ideally need in these moments of vulnerability. With time this also has the potential to create the ultimate intimate relationship that is strong in support, respect and love.

There are many websites with advice on how to control anger.  The one I would recommend is the Mind website which is empathic and helpful at the same time as being realistic.

Relationships - The Real Cost of Divorce

Researching the latest divorce statistic on the internet it struck me how carelessly the law firms seem to promote their services.  “A divorce for £37!” it shouts from the Google search pages.  Another advert promises a divorce in weeks whilst a third screams in bold capitals: “FAST TRACK TO  DIVORCE!”.  All are focussed on the cheapness, speed and ease of what now seems a one-click divorce process.

I’d like to think that it’s not necessary to say that divorce is anything but easy.  Solicitors and mediators focus on getting the finances fairly split, the material goods shared, the pensions equalled out and perhaps even access to children arranged.  But there is a very important and unavoidable aspect of divorce that neither solicitors nor mediators are able or qualified to deal with:  the emotional fall-out.

For the adults it is expected that they will ‘get over it’ or that ‘time will heal all wounds’ and as a society we say that children are ‘resilient’ and seem to cope very well.  But like nuclear fall-out, the emotional effect on everyone involved lingers for a long time and can insidiously spread throughout a family without anyone noticing. 

The family courts have tried to remedy some of the negative effects caused by divorce.  By expecting couples initially to go to family mediation to reach an amicable solution, a little of the emotional fall-out may be redeemed.  If a court process is unavoidable, there is now the Separating Parents Intervention Programme.  This is a four hour training session covering how divorce or separation affects children, intended to re-focus parents on their own behaviour and show how to communicate with an ex-partner without too many arguments. 

The emotional fall-out from divorce, nevertheless, is unavoidable and in most cases devastating.  For the person leaving it may initially seem that heaven has arrived; the relief of having made the decision and acted upon it, the feel of finally moving on and creating a new life is invigorating.  However, these emotions very often and quickly get infiltrated by guilt and sadness, thoughts of doubt and feelings of loss.   This can seem confusing and paradoxical, sometimes causing uncharacteristic changes in behaviour.

For the one left behind, it is likely to be the most devastating experience ever felt.  Anger and resentment aimed at the partner who has left can turn a rational person into a raging, irrational individual with little sense of right or wrong.  Mixing these emotions and behaviours with the feeling of intense loss and sadness can be overwhelming and send a person spiralling down into a powerful sense of rejection and an inevitable depression. 

This is a volatile point and a time when the most damage is done; with little awareness of the effect of their own behaviour, actions and words both are likely to become incapable of talking with each other.   For both people,  realistic expectations are likely to be drastically skewed and the focus turned inward on their own wants and needs, with little consideration for anyone else involved in the process.

It all sounds very dramatic, and without talking about the effect on children, grandparents and the extended family and friends, the story is incomplete.  This, although intrinsically linked, is a separate subject and will be covered in a different blog entry.

The notion of a fast track divorce somehow seems incomprehensible and although £37 for an online divorce may seem like a bargain, it serves to cheapen the actual emotional cost of anyone going through the process.  If it seems too good to be true, it’s because it is.

A very helpful website for single parents and information on coping with divorce is Gingerbread.