Wednesday 29 August 2012

Relationships - Why Are We So Angry?

Reflecting on past cases in counselling, anger seems to be a reoccurring issue in couple relationships. It appears in many forms of behaviour and sometimes is very deeply buried. One thing every form of anger has in common is a destructive nature.
The need for anger management groups and therapy is growing as more people are beginning to acknowledge that their level of anger is unacceptable, destructive and perhaps even uncontrollable. But why are we so angry?
Many studies have been made into the causes of anger; one professed that babies are born aggressive; society has been blamed for creating angry young people because of lack of opportunities; computer games have been said to condition people to become aggressive; and music, movies and television have also had their fair share of blame for aggressive attitudes.
While there may be some truth in all of this, little influences us as much as the examples of behaviour we are brought up with and the ways in which we were treated growing up.
At the root of anger often lies personal experiences of hurt, making anger a symptom of internal conflict provoked by external factors. In other words, if un-resolved past experiences such as disappointment, loss, ridicule or shame are not looked at and explored in a safe environment, they can cause anger in situations where there is a potential for a similar emotion to occur. Anger in this case paradoxically acts as a protection, keeping the hurtful emotions away and so suppressing the issues at the cause of the anger.
Examples of hurtful emotions may include disappointments of being consistently let down, so creating a lack of trust, or being shown up by siblings or - worse still - parents.  Neglect and abuse can create a sense of shame; having been shown little or no understanding as a child can lead to lack of empathy toward others and oneself, and loss can create a feeling of fear of rejection. There are plenty of examples of situations that can create anger as what seems like the only protection against hurtful emotions if these are not recognised.
Intimate relationships are often the common playground for anger; for relationships to be intimate we need to be able to safely show our vulnerability and accept our partner’s vulnerability. We feel vulnerable when we show emotions of grief, guilt, disappointment and loss, but even happiness can bring a certain level of vulnerability. If such emotions have not been allowed in the past, or we have had negative experiences showing them, we are likely to protect ourselves for fear of getting hurt again. 
Anger in this case works well as a protector as it pushes an intimate partner away and so we have saved ourselves from potential hurt…or have we? We may have stopped the repetition of past hurt, but in the process of protecting ourselves we are creating the rejection of momentarily losing someone dear to us, the shame of hurting someone else, the disappointment of yet again being let down as our partner retreats, and so on. The protective anger becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that actually re-creates the exact emotion we are trying to protect ourselves from.
Saying all that, anger is a necessary emotion, though if it is not recognised and accepted it tends to become overwhelming for both the person showing it as well as the person on the receiving end. To accept one’s own anger as a natural emotion may help in the management of an otherwise potentially destructive emotion and could lead the way to resolving the real issue underlying the anger. 
Most people dream of the ideal relationship in which they feel safe, needed, loved and appreciated, all in the right amounts.  However, our happiness seems to rely on our ability to reveal our own vulnerability while trusting that our partner will not hurt us, and for our partner to be able to trust that we in turn will not hurt them in their moments of vulnerability. 
To recognise that your partner may have different points of vulnerability than you will be a good starting point. Discovering these comes through being willing to get to know what it is that triggers this and what they ideally need in these moments of vulnerability. With time this also has the potential to create the ultimate intimate relationship that is strong in support, respect and love.
There are many websites with advice on how to control anger.  The one I would recommend is the Mind website which is empathic and helpful at the same time as being realistic.







Tuesday 7 August 2012

Relationships - The Real Cost of Divorce


Researching the latest divorce statistic on the internet it struck me how carelessly the law firms seem to promote their services.  “A divorce for £37!” it shouts from the Google search pages.  Another advert promises a divorce in weeks whilst a third screams in bold capitals: “FAST TRACK TO  DIVORCE!”.  All are focussed on the cheapness, speed and ease of what now seems a one-click divorce process.

I’d like to think that it’s not necessary to say that divorce is anything but easy.  Solicitors and mediators focus on getting the finances fairly split, the material goods shared, the pensions equalled out and perhaps even access to children arranged.  But there is a very important and unavoidable aspect of divorce that neither solicitors nor mediators are able or qualified to deal with:  the emotional fall-out.

For the adults it is expected that they will ‘get over it’ or that ‘time will heal all wounds’ and as a society we say that children are ‘resilient’ and seem to cope very well.  But like nuclear fall-out, the emotional effect on everyone involved lingers for a long time and can insidiously spread throughout a family without anyone noticing. 

The family courts have tried to remedy some of the negative effects caused by divorce.  By expecting couples initially to go to family mediation to reach an amicable solution, a little of the emotional fall-out may be redeemed.  If a court process is unavoidable, there is now the Separating Parents Intervention Programme.  This is a four hour training session covering how divorce or separation affects children, intended to re-focus parents on their own behaviour and show how to communicate with an ex-partner without too many arguments. 

The emotional fall-out from divorce, nevertheless, is unavoidable and in most cases devastating.  For the person leaving it may initially seem that heaven has arrived; the relief of having made the decision and acted upon it, the feel of finally moving on and creating a new life is invigorating.  However, these emotions very often and quickly get infiltrated by guilt and sadness, thoughts of doubt and feelings of loss.   This can seem confusing and paradoxical, sometimes causing uncharacteristic changes in behaviour.

For the one left behind, it is likely to be the most devastating experience ever felt.  Anger and resentment aimed at the partner who has left can turn a rational person into a raging, irrational individual with little sense of right or wrong.  Mixing these emotions and behaviours with the feeling of intense loss and sadness can be overwhelming and send a person spiralling down into a powerful sense of rejection and an inevitable depression. 

This is a volatile point and a time when the most damage is done; with little awareness of the effect of their own behaviour, actions and words both are likely to become incapable of talking with each other.   For both people,  realistic expectations are likely to be drastically skewed and the focus turned inward on their own wants and needs, with little consideration for anyone else involved in the process.

It all sounds very dramatic, and without talking about the effect on children, grandparents and the extended family and friends, the story is incomplete.  This, although intrinsically linked, is a separate subject and will be covered in a different blog entry.

The notion of a fast track divorce somehow seems incomprehensible and although £37 for an online divorce may seem like a bargain, it serves to cheapen the actual emotional cost of anyone going through the process.  If it seems too good to be true, it’s because it is.

A very helpful website for single parents and information on coping with divorce is Gingerbread.

Thursday 2 August 2012

Men's Mental Health


Men’s mental health is a daring subject for a woman to write about, but never-the-less an important issue to bring to light.  A recent article entitled “Men’s Mental Health Needs” in the magazine Therapy Today stated that problems with male  mental health are under-diagnosed and under-treated.  I would like to add to this that it is also under-reported:  after doing a little research, comparing the number of reports on the BBC News website and on Google, I found that women’s mental health is more widely written and talked about.

Looking at the history of psychology and psychotherapy, it makes perfect sense to me that women’s mental health is a more accepted and explored subject. 

Dr Sigmund Freud, who is known as the founder of psychoanalysis, performed what was in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s, looked upon as ground breaking and controversial psychological research.  Although his methods would not pass as ethical by today’s standards and most of his work has been superseded, his theories still live on in the training of counsellors and psychotherapists.

Having been brought up in an era when the ultimate evolved being was considered to be the white man, Dr Freud based the majority of his work on women.  Perhaps it would not have been in his favour to include the “superior” white male in his study as this could have indicated his demise from the top of the hierarchical pyramid. 

As Dr Freud’s research on women became increasingly acknowledged, more followers began to develop their own theories and may unintentionally have carried on the myth that male mental health was perfection and a state of mind to strive to achieve. 

In society today, thankfully, our ideas are changing and a report such as the one published by the European Commission, openly discussing men’s mental health with research taken from 34 European countries, is to be welcomed.  Perhaps a recognition is emerging that men and women do have different mental health needs and that men have been hugely underrepresented in today’s therapeutic community?

Thanks to Mind a more user friendly and in-depth report on men’s mental health exists, with research conducted by Mind in the UK and showing very similar results.

With research results showing that ‘more men take their own lives and are more likely to externalise their distress through substance misuse and antisocial behaviour’ and that ‘they are more likely to suffer from work related stress such as fatigue and irritability’ (Therapy Today, Vol.23, 4), it may be time to start talking more about men’s mental health.  Bringing issues such as this to the attention of society in general will make it a more accessible issue for men (and women) to talk about and accept for themselves.

Bringing men's mental health into light we might even find that, after a little exploration, the gender differences are not so great after all.