The novelist E M Forster once said: ‘How do I know what I
think, until I hear what I say?’ Talking is hugely underestimated; when we
really take apart what actually is happening when we talk, we may get a
surprise. It isn't just the act of
speaking but also the skills involved in listening that influences how
effective we are at communicating.
In relationships talking and listening are probably the two
most important aspects of intimacy.
Through verbally expressing ourselves we let our partner into our world;
our views, values, dreams and ideas. It
is the way we get to know one another and the way we initially enjoy each
other’s company.
Daily communication in a relationship may be easy and won't
necessarily cause many problems, but when it comes to in-depth talking, problem
solving or supporting each other, it could be a different experience.
Many couples find they get on really well at the beginning
of their relationship, remembering their early days as talking a lot and being
very close. Months or perhaps years later conversation
changes and becomes a little more difficult, with arguments happening
regularly. This change can be caused by
many things though one common reason is that unresolved issues lie in the
background, getting in the way of having a more intimate conversation.
Some hints on how to have mutually satisfying conversations
may be:
- Think of how you would talk with your best friend; the conversation may be different but the way you behave should be very similar. After all, this is your chosen partner, why not be nice to him/her?
- If your talks tend to erupt into arguments and accusations, try to recognise when this is about to start and take time out. Go to separate rooms for 15 minutes and then return and have a calmer talk.
- Always talk from an 'I' point of view, for example; don't blame the other for how you feel, but talk about the behaviour: say 'when you do that, I feel ...' rather than 'you make me feel ...'.
- Expressions such as 'you always ...' or 'you never ...' are rarely true and can cause an argument by themselves. Stay away from these and try 'I would like you to ...' so turning the expression into something that can be done or discussed (calmly, preferably!)
Relationships are difficult at the best of times and very
often we can deepen them and our happiness through recognising and changing
little ways we do things. The above
hints are just a few small adjustments that can make a huge difference to the
level of happiness in your relationship.
E. M. Foster was right, you do need to hear what you are
saying before you know what you think. So
next time you and your partner talk, try listening to what it is you are saying
and how you say it, then imagine your own reaction if the same was said to you.
30 July 2012
